I have this terrible habit of wanting the future to so badly just show itself so I know what to do, where to go, etc. It sounds silly but I think it’s because I am so scared of the unexpected. I want to see the future so I can cause myself the least pain possible. I’m tired of hurting. I’ve been hurting my whole life and I just want to feel good.
Yesterday I saw some friends get married and I was so happy for them, i really was, and so envious also. Seeing them glowing with adoration and true unselfish companionship really made me take a look at my own self and my own relationships. I sat around analyzing and crawling around in my own head and I need to stop.
The future will come and I need to stop being afraid.
I have a wonderful partner and we have our issues but who doesn’t? I guess I’m just afraid that maybe we don’t want the same things….but who knows? I’m only 21, shit I really don’t know if I want to be married and have kids and that whole thing. Someday I do want to have my own family because I’m lonely. My parents are dead and my siblings are alien to me. Sometimes I want to be married, but I’m afraid that there is no one in this entire sick world who could put up with me or love me indefinitely. I don’t want to stress myself out I want to stay in the moment, appreciate my life how it is at this moment, be grateful to have who I have and be where I am and do what I do.
But it really is harder than it sounds. I don’t want to be afraid of life.
I need to start loving myself so much that I won’t need the love of anyone else.
I need to realize that love and companionship take time and work. A lot of time and a lot of work.